this is john. john is great.

picture a day.

new years

 to ring in the new year, i drove out of town to go to a friend's family's new years ball.

three of my favourite people were there, and there was a bonfire, dancing, champagne, and fireworks.

we danced and laughed and drank until 5 am, surrounded by the laughter of loving friends and family. i wish it was always so easy to just let go and be happy. something i have learned is that the truly blissful memories are not the ones in which you held yourself back. they are the ones in which you gave in to the moment. the ones in which you let yourself be. i think i can never be happy unless i get out of my own mind and stop thinking about being happy. 

(some of) what happened in 2012

January:

I met the people who would become my family, my beautiful dance family. I was in a relationship with a boy who was very in love with me and very wrong for me. My car broke down in the middle of the road at night and that boy pushed it all the way to a parking lot. 

February:

went on little dates at home

got my wisdom teeth removed and learned that they give you a bracelet for even the silliest of allergies

celebrated valentines day by staying in

was Eva Peron and won a costume contest at a "Famous Dictators" themed dinner party.

March:

Was stalked by someone, lost a friend, danced all the time, went a little bit nuts with stress. Became a better artist and person by the influence of Dr. Stephen Laptisophon in a Mixed Media class where I got to know my now closest school friend, Rachel. This one time we were working in the computer lab and someone drew a banana pear on our temporarily abandoned computers paint screens and captioned it "don't leave your computers logged in you silly bananapears!"

Dyed a strip of my hair bright red in the bathroom of a friend's dorm room.

April:

Roadtripped to see my best friend Emily at her school in Arkansas for spring break. Danced ALL THE TIME. 35+ hours per week. I was sore and bruised and hungry all the time and I miss it more than anything else in this entire world.

May:

Put on a truly fantastic dance show with some truly fantastic people. 

Was miserably in my last Novis performance. Learned to Geocache with Eli and Caitlin M. Broke up with Keith and thought I was going to die of sadness. Lived anyway. Went to the scottish festival. Had a cast party. Moved in with my then two best friends at school, Emily and Caitlin, into my beautiful apartment. 

Got my job at Ann Taylor Loft.

June:

Went to Harmony Hill. Read all of Harry Potter in one month. Got a job teaching dance to sweet preschoolers and fell in love with it. Dated one of my dearest friends in what was probably the healthiest, happiest relationship I've ever had. Worked a lot. Felt mentally stable for the last time. 

Saw Dale Chihuly's exhibit at the Arboretum.

Went to a Rangers game. Went to a lot of parties. Read a lot of books. Drank a lot of coffee. Sat alone and thought about things a lot. Married my love, Adriana, at a party.

July: 

Met some amazing people through Jen, the brilliant starbucks barista, theatre director, and human extraordinaire. Put on a really great show with these people. A play about unbalanced love, full of honest words, honest acting, and loving hearts. 

Fell away from the friend I was dating, for a reason I don't now remember. Briefly dated my co-star in what was possibly the silliest, most inconsequential relationship to ever happen.

August:

Went to California and was happy. Realised again how much I love my family. Celebrated life and love and family on a beach in the sun.

Broke up with my co-star (of course). Started school. 

September: 

Began to feel the cracks in my sanity. Started to fall apart. Dated a friend's roommate. Danced a lot. Stressed a lot. Worked a lot. Did a lot of homework. Lost my roommate/best friend and eventually most of my friends at school over a horrible situation. In the whole situation I am proud of the way Emily and I acted, and proud of the choices we made. Grew up a lot.

October:

Had pneumonia. stayed in bed for two or three weeks. Thought I was going to die. Realised I was bipolar. Realised I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

Put on a truly great ethnic dance show. 

November:

Faced deep, intimate, personal sorrow in the form of grief over the death of my friend Ben. Completely fell apart mentally. The cracks in my sanity ruptured. Cried every day. Dropped out of school and finally sought medical help for my bipolar. Rejected my dear Evan once again, because I didn't want to hurt him and knew it was inevitable. Briefly dated a boy named Alex, who had no idea that I was losing my mind. Thought I would die of sadness. Danced a lot with some people who I love very much, which was the only thing that kept me alive. Worked a lot. 

December:

Sought help for my bipolar and depression and anxiety. Briefly dated a boy named Matt. Turned 21 and went on my first bar hopping adventure on lower greenville. Went to a crazy dance party and was sad the whole time. 

Realised I should have never ended things with Evan. It was too late. Worked a LOT with some truly awful holiday shoppers. Celebrated Christmas. Tried to be happy again. Tried to list the people I am blessed with.

Oh soul, 

you worry too much.

You have seen your own strength. 

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings. 

Of anything less, 

why do you worry?

You are in truth 

the soul, of the soul, of the soul.

You are the security, 

the shelter of the spirit of Lovers. 

Oh the sultan of sultans, 

of any other king, 

why do you worry?

Be silent, like a fish, 

and go into that pleasant sea.

You are in deep waters now,

of life's blazing fire.

Why do you worry?

about me

my name is sparrow.

(well, no it isn't, but this is the internet)

i will be 21 on december 6th, and my plans so far are very small, including dressing up and drinking champagne at a hotel bar downtown with my best friend alexandria.

i live in a little apartment in the sky, i drink copious amounts of tea, and i love to read.

i'm confused about life, but then who isn't? not sure what the point of me is.

someday i will do great things. i will dance and people will see the smallest bit of whatever their god is in my dancing. i will heal children's hearts. i will make things clear. but for now, i need to make things clear for myself first.

i fall in love too easily, trust at the same time too quickly and too slowly, and get my heart broken too much. 

i like good music and slow movies, quick wit and long words.

i work in retail, and sometimes i love it, but mostly i'm frustrated by its constant vapidity.

on growing up;

or, why i stop and start blogging

i've never been able to keep a journal. i've kept so many. from where i sit, on the floor of my small but desperately beloved apartment, my laptop resting on a pile of laundry, i face a small white bookcase filled with nothing but notebooks. a whole shelf of this bookcase contains nothing but diaries, all with five entries or less. there was a long period in high school where i was so constantly sad, so constantly in doubt and fear of myself that i filled half a journal with these rants about losing weight, losing boys, and losing faith. but the thing is, i never feel i'm the same for long enough to fill a whole journal. i feel that the moment you are different than what has been written before, you must change notebooks.

but the thing is that i'm still all of those people. or at the very least, i have been all of those people. and that needs to be ok. because people grow, people change, and that is a beautiful thing.

i found out recently that i was bipolar. i've been living with unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar for years without knowing what was wrong with me. i knew something was wrong but it just felt like being sad and then getting it together and being productive, except 100x more so. this month i finally went to a psychiatrist, left school for a while, and am trying to get better. i need time to mourn, time to grow, and time to heal, so for a while i'm going to do nothing but work, dance, and read. and hopefully write. 

i hereby promise to try. or something.