Oh soul, 

you worry too much.

You have seen your own strength. 

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings. 

Of anything less, 

why do you worry?

You are in truth 

the soul, of the soul, of the soul.

You are the security, 

the shelter of the spirit of Lovers. 

Oh the sultan of sultans, 

of any other king, 

why do you worry?

Be silent, like a fish, 

and go into that pleasant sea.

You are in deep waters now,

of life's blazing fire.

Why do you worry?

about me

my name is sparrow.

(well, no it isn't, but this is the internet)

i will be 21 on december 6th, and my plans so far are very small, including dressing up and drinking champagne at a hotel bar downtown with my best friend alexandria.

i live in a little apartment in the sky, i drink copious amounts of tea, and i love to read.

i'm confused about life, but then who isn't? not sure what the point of me is.

someday i will do great things. i will dance and people will see the smallest bit of whatever their god is in my dancing. i will heal children's hearts. i will make things clear. but for now, i need to make things clear for myself first.

i fall in love too easily, trust at the same time too quickly and too slowly, and get my heart broken too much. 

i like good music and slow movies, quick wit and long words.

i work in retail, and sometimes i love it, but mostly i'm frustrated by its constant vapidity.

on growing up;

or, why i stop and start blogging

i've never been able to keep a journal. i've kept so many. from where i sit, on the floor of my small but desperately beloved apartment, my laptop resting on a pile of laundry, i face a small white bookcase filled with nothing but notebooks. a whole shelf of this bookcase contains nothing but diaries, all with five entries or less. there was a long period in high school where i was so constantly sad, so constantly in doubt and fear of myself that i filled half a journal with these rants about losing weight, losing boys, and losing faith. but the thing is, i never feel i'm the same for long enough to fill a whole journal. i feel that the moment you are different than what has been written before, you must change notebooks.

but the thing is that i'm still all of those people. or at the very least, i have been all of those people. and that needs to be ok. because people grow, people change, and that is a beautiful thing.

i found out recently that i was bipolar. i've been living with unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar for years without knowing what was wrong with me. i knew something was wrong but it just felt like being sad and then getting it together and being productive, except 100x more so. this month i finally went to a psychiatrist, left school for a while, and am trying to get better. i need time to mourn, time to grow, and time to heal, so for a while i'm going to do nothing but work, dance, and read. and hopefully write. 

i hereby promise to try. or something. 

valentines day

double date night!

tonight before our double date with friends, i made fancy date night dinner of four new things for us:

-reisling: a very light, fruity but a bit tart white wine. we liked very much! i can't have red wine (too many emotions) so we've been trying out different white wines, and this one is light enough that it doesn't make me want to shrivel up and die on the inside like fuller wines do.

-sauteed zucchini: cooked for about five minutes in olive oil with garlic salt, oregano, and olive oil. delicious and healthy!

-chocolate dipped strawberries: omnomnom.

-pumpkin ricotta gnocchi: i'm experimenting with gluten free pasta making. for this, unfortunately i didn't measure anything out, just did it by the force... but to approximate...

1/4 cup ricotta

1/4 cup pumpkin (canned)

1 egg yolk

2(ish) cups mixed flour: almond, pinon, and tapioca starch

mix the flour until it is dry enough to roll into little balls without smashing into your hands, or dry enough to not stick to a plate

roll into tiny balls, or roll out and cut into small squares. little circles will be doughier and take longer to cook, squares will be faster but more complicated to form.

drop in boiling water (with a pinch of salt and oil) for approximately 5 minutes

my dough was rolled out too thick, so the pasta turned out too chewy... but if it had cooked longer it would have been delicious. i think i'm going to try turning it into ravioli with the leftover dough and ricotta.

against.the.grain

i do a good deal of adjusting and creating recipes to be gluten free, because sweet boyfriend cannot have gluten. i used to work at a bakery, so it was very distressing to me when i found out i couldn't win him over using my baking skills - until i found alternative flours i loved. i'm still learning, but i may as well record my learning process because it could help someone else! 

what do i classify as gluten? 

           -anything that is derived from or contains trace amounts of wheats, corn, or rice. this includes most processed foods, and anything with preservatives. a shocking amount of the food we eat has all kinds of processed syrups and gluteny materials!

the foods i lean towards are organic, responsibly farmed, preservative free natural foods. this does NOT mean that i don't love cheese and fancy food. it just means that i think fancy food = delicious food = natural food. i love a good salad and a delicious pizza with equal enthusiasm.

booklist for spring 12

beach music

the beautiful and the damned

everything is illuminated
ocean sea
the perks of being a wallflower
the unbearable lightness of being

the history of love